Into the Rain Page 8

  “I’m not really worried about me.”

  A frown crossed his features, but he didn’t say anything more.

  The rest of the night passed in a similar fashion, with Clay having moments where he needed to talk but he always fell back into his silent, contemplative mood. I longed to go back to that morning—before the arrival of the fae—when it was just us and the only thing we had to worry about was training, the source of our next meal, and being vigilant in watching for signs that the Rain had caught up with us.

  When we finally went to bed, Clay wrapped his body tightly around mine and whispered his apologies to me repeatedly for his bad mood and rash words before telling me that I was the only thing that was keeping him sane.

  “Maybe it would help if you talked about it,” I said.

  “I don’t want to talk about it,” he said. “It’s hard to even think about it without ending up in a mess of confusing knots.”

  “I understand. I felt like that when—”

  “Will you tell me more about the fae?” he asked to change the subject away from the moment we both discovered I was something more. I figured he didn’t want to talk about it. He’d fallen for me, which lent credence to the theory that even the most dedicated Elite Rain soldiers could fall for nonhumans. His father included.

  Willing to do anything to ease his mind, I started a story about the fae society: about the library and classrooms, about the fledglings and rankings, and about the way they were effectively a large extended family. I only hoped his desire to hear more of that part of my past meant he was finally beginning to open up to the possibility of finding out more answers. I knew from my own experience that he wouldn’t be satisfied until he learned the truth—the full truth—even if he couldn’t admit that to himself yet.

  By the time I finished my story, Clay was fast asleep, and the past was once again on my mind, as firm and solid as Clay beside me. I still couldn’t regret my time with the fae, it had helped to shape who I was, but I wondered—not for the first time—how different my life would have been if Clay’s family hadn’t found him in Charlotte and made him think that he needed to leave.

  Fiona wouldn’t know me, and she certainly wouldn’t have known to search for me to find Clay. We wouldn’t be in our current predicament, and Clay would never have had the opportunity to learn the truth about himself or his family. I probably understood more than most that knowing the truth—however unpleasant it might be to learn—was better than living a lie. In the long run at least. After all, Dad had kept the secret of my heritage, the truth about what I was, hidden for so long it had almost turned deadly before I learned the truth.

  I lay staring at the ceiling while Clay slept quietly beside me. His body jolted as if he was waking, and I shifted closer to him to provide some comfort. Instead of opening his eyes though, his face began to twitch and tick as a dream, or possibly a nightmare, overtook his peace. I was helpless to do anything for him while his mind held him hostage.

  Is this how he feels when he has to watch as my dreams turn to fire and smoke?

  The information Fiona had dropped on us without warning weighed heavily on his shoulders. Watching his anxiety play out on his face as he slept, I worried that his personal demons might become too much for him.

  He had apparently accepted her words, but they were an obvious burden.

  He reached for me in the darkness, and his hand came to rest across my body. The weight of his arm, together with the rhythm of his soft breaths, calmed me and reminded me that despite it all, we had each other now.

  That was the most important thing.

  We’d face whatever came our way together. I’d help him battle his demons like he’d helped me face mine in the past.

  After an hour of sleeplessness, a quiet tapping at one of our windows called my attention. I twisted as best as I could toward the sound without disturbing Clay and saw the bright blue of Aiden’s eyes peering through the glass. He indicated that he wanted me to go out to see him. It meant leaving the warmth of Clay’s embrace to venture into the cold night air. All I could think was that Aiden might have had some of the answers to the questions Clay was too uncertain to ask. If that was the case, it was definitely worth my discomfort.

  CHAPTER TEN

  CAREFULLY EXTRACTING MYSELF from Clay’s arms, I pulled on the thickest winter coat we owned and headed out into the cold.

  “What do you want?” I whispered as I opened the front door to greet Aiden.

  “Are you able to spare a few moments for a private discussion?”

  I glanced back at Clay’s relaxed form to ensure that he was still asleep before nodding. Aiden walked toward the small set of stairs that led from our porch, before sitting on the second stair.

  “I understand that the meeting ran less smoothly than Fi had hoped,” he said as I walked through the darkness to follow him.

  I sighed. “What did the two of you really expect?” I sat beside him and leaned my head forward into my hands. Once the words began tumbling from me, they didn’t stop. “You have to try and see it from his side. He has been raised his whole life believing anything—everything—other is evil. He’s not just a Rain operative; he’s from an elite family. Generation upon generation of his ancestors all held the same belief. Add to that the reappearance of a mother absent since he was little more than a baby and there’s no easy way for him to understand it all.

  “He struggled enough when he tried to learn to accept what I am. It’s not the same for him as it was for me. By the time I learned the truth, I’d already accepted there had to be something wrong. That I wasn’t human. But the mere notion that he might be something other is so far removed from any realm of possibility he’s ever had to consider. There is no easy way for him to do it. Accepting that he might be fae was never going to be an easy task, and it’s unfair for the two of you to have expected him to do it without reacting badly at first.”

  “In complete honesty, we were never certain what to expect. Humans rarely act in the ways we anticipate they should, and so we often find forming such expectations meaningless. Regardless, whatever else he might be thinking at present, he is above all else human. He simply has a fae mother.”

  “Did you know?” I asked, turning the accusations Clay had levied on me earlier against the only other person who might have known the truth and neglected to share it—one who might have set me up to be accused by my love.

  “What?”

  “While I was living with you, did you know about Fiona’s children? Did you know about my connection with him? Did you know who he was and what he meant to me?” The questions surged through me one after another like bursts of gunfire.

  Aiden’s confusion was clear. “You do remember that until the day you informed me that you were leaving the court, I was not even aware that there was a him.”

  His words brought to mind my final day living with the fae. I recalled the discovery of his affair with Willow, the catalyst that had propelled me to find Clay, and to my own confessions that day. “Yeah. Of course. Sorry.”

  He smiled and knocked my shoulder with his.

  “I must confess that I wanted to discuss more with you than merely the disastrous meeting. Earlier, I said that I would like to meet with you before I left.”

  I dipped my head as I recalled his words. “What about?”

  “Do you remember when I asked you why you could not simply forget what made you unhappy?”

  “Yeah,” I said quietly, at the time he’d been asking me why I couldn’t just forget Clay if the memories made me sad.

  “I understand why you were unable now. Ever since you left the court, I have lived with the regret that my actions were the catalyst for your departure and that perhaps I neglected to do enough to make you stay. That even though I was able to assist in bringing you back to life, I simply was not enough to make you happy. The regret I felt compelled me to follow up on you. For years, I have had scouts watching over you. I despised the fact that my i
nability to commit to a monogamous relationship was what had driven you away.”

  “It wasn’t.” At least not the way you think.

  “Despite that guilt, I did feel relief that you had not decided to stay simply on my behalf,” Aiden said. “I now appreciate more than I ever could have before just how great your need to be with him must have been. Am I correct in assuming that your thoughts were with him the entirety of your time at my court?”

  Certain he already understood the truth, I shrugged.

  “I can see now that the reason you left was something more than either of us could have ever fought against, even if we had both been willing to sacrifice everything for each other.”

  “What do you mean?” There was more to his words than he was saying, but I couldn’t even begin to attempt to divine his true meaning.

  “All you need to know at present is how incredibly happy for you I am. It is apparent to me exactly how deep his feelings for you run and how contented he is able to make you. That has made the self-doubt and regret I felt worth something. Truly, happiness is all I ever wanted for you, Lynnie. It is the most life can offer any of us.”

  His words raveled themselves around my mind in a confused knot. Still, I understood enough of his intent to see he was giving Clay and me his blessing.

  “Thank you,” I said, not just for his approval, which I didn’t really need, but for everything he’d done for me. The words felt like little more than a platitude on my tongue though and were grossly inadequate.

  “To fully answer your initial question, however, I remained unaware of Aunt Fi’s human husband until after you had already left the court. It was only once I started asking questions about Clay on your behalf that we discovered the connection. When I approached her to ascertain what knowledge she might have of the Rain, she seemed intensely interested in learning more about the boy you had described, as well as whatever I knew of his family.

  “Only once she was relatively certain that the person I spoke of was a member of her family did she tell me her story. Outside of Fiona, I was the first fae to know all of it. As soon as the truth was free though, and she had knowledge of Clay’s apparent acceptance of your nature, her desire to reunite with him grew. On numerous occasions, I had to convince her to send her guards instead and stay in the court for her own safety. Although you had informed me of the way Clay’s behavior diverged from the norm, I simply could not allow Fi to risk her life—the very survival of our court—on the mere possibility that he may listen.

  “Even today, she wanted to be the one to forge the relationship anew. I managed to convince her of the folly in that course before it turned deadly.”

  His words made me consider what might have happened if Fiona, and not Aiden, had tried to converse with us. The fact was that it was incredibly likely Clay would have killed her. It was clear to me that it was only because of me that he hadn’t harmed Aiden.

  “Not only that,” Aiden continued, “she grew determined to forge a reunion between the two of you. She wanted you both to find happiness in each other. She felt you both had earned it for the suffering you had endured. Ultimately, she was the one who gave me the lead that I passed on to you through my friends.”

  I could still recall my shock when Willow had walked up to me in the forest and told me to go to Salem, Massachusetts if I wanted to find my love. It was only because of her link with Aiden that I’d even attempted to follow the lead.

  That event had led to some of both my best and worst memories. A precious reunion and a devastating loss.

  “Salem,” I said with a voice filled with sorrow. Only a few weeks later, that reunion had gone sour due to Louise’s interference and the fire that the sunbird had set to protect me. The flames had destroyed more than just our apartment.

  “I wanted to present the information myself, but I was uncertain whether you would want to see me.”

  “I wouldn’t have minded,” I said instinctively, before I considered whether the reunion with Clay would have been spoiled running hot on the heels of an encounter with Aiden. “But it might have been a little awkward when I saw Clay so soon afterward.”

  “So the information we were able to provide did in fact help you reunite with him?” Aiden appeared to be genuinely happy that his lead had been instrumental in my reunion with Clay. I could see his assumption written all over his face—that we’d been together since.

  “I did.” A sigh left me over how much time Clay and I had missed because of circumstances at least partly out of our control. “And then I lost him again.”

  Aiden frowned. “Why?”

  I didn’t want to go into all the gory details about my past with Clay—or betray our shared secrets—so I told Aiden a very abridged version of being driven apart by Louise and our recent, almost-perfect reunion.

  When I mentioned her name, Aiden scowled.

  “What is it?” I asked.

  “Do you know I was the first person to take Mackenzie out of the court?” he asked in response.

  Confused by the abrupt shift, I shook my head. “No. I didn’t have a chance to find out the details before . . .” I trailed off. Before Clay discovered his apparent fae heritage.

  “Mackenzie was always a bright little thing, even as a fledgling.” Aiden smiled as he recounted the story. “Much to her mother’s disgust, she used to idolize me and would fantasize about the time when she would be free of the court and able to have adventures like her cousin.”

  A feeling of dread settled over me at his words, a reminder that Fiona was his aunt, which made him Clay’s cousin as well. I wrapped my arms around myself as I listened to the story while trying to process the knowledge that Aiden, who’d taken me in and brought me back to life, was actually related to Clay.

  “Even on the morning of her naming ceremony, she was running off on tangents about the sort of assignments we might run together once she was assigned as a guard. Only, it was not to be. When she was allocated a healer role, a role destined to stay inside the walls of the court, she was devastated. After negotiations with Fiona, I managed to convince her to allow me to take Mackenzie on a field trip as a celebration. That was the first of many excursions she went on outside the court. Most of them were unaccompanied.”

  He glanced over at me, and the guilt in his eyes was clear—he blamed himself for what happened after.

  “I cannot help but wonder if she would have been more content with life inside the court had it not been for me.” He hung his head in his hands.

  I wrapped my arm around him to comfort him. “You can’t blame yourself for other people’s choices.”

  “You are too kind, Lynnie.”

  “You obviously care about Mackenzie.”

  “Of course I do. Not only are we of the same court, we are family. I only wish I could save her from the torments her sister faced. Torments that twisted her soul into a thing of darkness.”

  “Her sister?”

  Aiden frowned at me, as if it should be obvious. “Louise.”

  “Louise?”

  “The things that poor fledgling was forced to endure,” he muttered.

  “What are you talking about?” I asked.

  “It is Fi’s story to tell, and even if I could tell it to you, I would not know enough of the details to tell it correctly. I only know that the humans relentlessly tortured Fi’s first daughter, Louise, and now they will likely do the same to poor Mackenzie.”

  “No, that’s not right,” I said. My heart pounded in my ears, drowning out my own voice as I continued in murmur. “Louise was taken as a baby by . . . by your kind and she suffered terribly at their hand.”

  “Look into the depths of your heart and tell me that you honestly believe that, Lynnie.” He shifted so that he was on the stair in front of me, his face inches from mine. His blue gaze burned into my eyes, causing me to sink back a little to escape. The wrath of a fae was truly terrifying, and yet it was clear he was restraining himself and not directing the full force at
me. “After everything you have experienced with my court. With the books you read on our history. The freedoms you were afforded to explore our halls. After everything we did to help you and support you. All of that, can you truly believe that we are capable of that kind of cruelty?”

  “Not you and not your family. Of course not, but what about the Unseelies? I assumed they’d . . .” I trailed off, trying to gather my thoughts together coherently. Blue fire flashed in his eyes, and I knew he’d taken my words as a slight against his family. “Since I found out about Louise, I assumed they were the ones who replaced her with a changeling.”

  “Do you understand what changelings are?” he asked with a softer tone to his voice. Sympathy for my lack of understanding had clearly shifted his rage. He moved back to my side and leaned forward to stare into his hands.

  I shook my head. Beyond what Clay had told me about what had happened to Louise, I’d never considered the phenomenon of changelings. Had never questioned why the fae would swap their children into the care of humans.

  Forced to pause for a moment to consider it, there were many things about the situation that didn’t quite make sense. Everything I’d witnessed at the fae court was a complete contradiction to the changeling legends, and the beliefs Clay held. Aiden’s court was idyllic. Life filled the halls. Laughter flooded the classrooms. Although I hadn’t spent time with whole families, I’d seen enough in the way the court rallied around the fledglings to have formulated some opinions. If I had to describe fae parenting, I would have said fairies as a whole were incredibly protective of their young.

  That love and protective nature wasn’t the only thing that made the changeling story not make sense. Fae were arrogant, assured of their place in the world. They considered humans as a somewhat lesser species, only a few rungs up the evolutionary ladder than the demons and monsters the Rain hunted. Because of this, the fae believed humans to be less intellectual, less magical, and less cultured. It didn’t make sense that they would leave something they valued as precious, like a fledgling, in the care and protection of a human.